Gaining my confidence has been a journey, but one I am grateful for. For most of my life I've struggled with low self esteem. I never felt pretty enough and far from good enough. I was bullied all thought grade school. From the color of my skin to the napps of my hair. Boys picked on me girls picked on me i felt as though I just couldn't win. I would write hate notes to myself and then throw them in the trash because i wouldn't want anyone to ready them. I really had no self worth. People would say, "your eyes are so beautiful, or your pretty for a black girl", but none of that mattered to me. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was an ugly pimpled faced girl with nappy hair. Through high school i had adults tell me that i would never be anything. One day after having an argument with my then step mom I made up in my mind that i was just going to end it all. I was going to walk to lay down in the middle of the street and let someone run over me. While walking to the street I heard a voice say don't do it go the other way. Needless to say I listened to that voice and didn't die that day.
As I became an adult I still saw myself as less than beautiful. When people would compliment I would smile but didn't believe what they were saying. I entered into one bad/desperate relationship after the other looking for validation. I would change my way of thinking just to make them happy only to end up being miserable. Not knowing that what i was looking for they couldn't provide. Things worsened after the divorce. I lost all sense of who I thought I was. I went through an IDC phase. I'm glad that's over lol
It wasn't until recently that I finally began to see the beautiful woman God created me to be. He created me to be loving, kind, giving, creative, and so much more. What you see on the outside is truly a reflection of what on the inside of me. I have joy now. I understand what it means to love and be loved. I love myself now and because I love myself i can see myself for who I really am. I am She and She is me. I am more than a mother, friend, sister and daughter. I am a strong Black God fearing woman. My confidence come from the one who created me. I can hold my head higher knowing that I am perfectly imperfect. I have no need to try and be someone else. Being a divorced single parent doesn't make me worthless. The color of my skin doesn't define me. I am a lover and a fighter. I may not be fine to all that lay eyes on me but I am fine as wine to ME and I'll never allow another persons opinion of who they think I should be change me ever again.